All-Stars fail to capture the A-League's genius and filth
The match against Juventus was a thriller but it’s questionable whether it is a reflection of Australia’s domestic game
The A-League off-season is long. This year, we’ve had the World Cup to fill in the gaps, and the FFA Cup does its job, but even then that five month hiatus drags on a bit. And so it’s up to the good people at the Federation to keep us informed and interested. Like overworked parents trying desperately to distract their restless children, the A-League All Stars is thrust in our faces. “There you go, kids,” says FFA. “Entertain yourselves. It’s fun. Share your toys with the new kids.”
All Stars. Say it out loud. It’s a phrase made in America. The whole team are awesome! Stars! They are better than you. In fact, they are better than everyone. They’re All. Stars. How exciting.
Except, of course, this is football. There are many, many good things to come out of the USA, but the All Stars concept is not one of them. Which oxymoron, do you think, sounds more ridiculous? MLS All Stars or A-League All Stars? Take your pick. Either way, that small but very important preface makes a right mess of the bright, glossy ‘All Stars’ promise. “Ah, right then, the A-League All Stars”, says your mate Brian. “So what’s this A-League then?”
Brian is an Arsenal fan, even though he lives in Newtown and he’s never actually been to Highbury or the Emirates Stadium. Brian was also a Barcelona fan for a few seasons, and he went through a Palmeiras phase after that two-for-one sale at the Adidas Originals store. He doesn’t care much for the local game, so you do your best to explain.
Ruben Zadkovich has made a career here, you say indignantly. And Justin Pasfield. And it’s where one of the Barcelona youth coaches has come to have a crack at wearing the big boy suit. Last season he almost got the Pissants to tiki taka. You recount grand tales of the grim Reebok dictatorship of Seasons 1 through 6; Gold Coast United’s Tiananmen Square moment, and that time you realised Fabio Alvez had a mouthful of dental braces even though he was a fully grown man. Then you tell Brian about the curious case of Dexter Rosales, Adelaide United and the pretty decent but very fake CV. And how the Central Coast Mariners signed Marcel Seip in the hope that he would be like Patrick Zwaanswijk, but he wasn’t. In fact, he wasn’t even as good as Rob Wielaert! Not all ageing Dutch centre backs are the same, you explain knowingly. We learnt that the hard way.
“Oh, that A-League” says Brian. “Why didn’t you say something?” Well, you reply, I just did. And did I mention that Josh Rose is a big deal here too? You know, the guy who used to play for FC Universitatea Craiova in Romania. He’s in the All Stars team against Juventus. “Great”, says Brian. “I’ve needed a reason to buy that vintage 1995 Juventus kit off the internet.”
And so, naturally, you fork out $169 to sit in a giant, soulless stadium with questionable sight lines in a pre-fabricated suburb of Western Sydney. Alessandro Del Piero is playing for the wrong team. You knew that going in, but for Brian, it’s a zany fact made to be posted on his Facebook wall, alongside the ‘I’m in a stadium’ selfie. Del Piero against Juventus. Ha. What will they think of next? David Zdrilic at right-back? Oh.
Then something strange happens. Somewhere in between the $7 mid-strength beer served in a plastic cup and the branded plastic GOAL sign you’re obliged to wave, you start to notice the All Stars are actually playing pretty well. In fact, they’re dominating. Jade North and Matt Smith are immovable objects. Alessandro Del Piero is sublime, and more importantly, he’s getting stuck in. Eugene Galekovic is passing the ball out from the back like he’s Victor Valdes. Josep Gombau is at his entertaining best, gesticulating wildly on the sideline. Manny Muscat - MANNY MUSCAT - is doing step-overs and dribbling the ball out of defence. And Besart Berisha is his usual crazy, brilliant self. You feel a little twinge of pride, and turn to see if Brian is impressed. He’s not. Marcelo Carrusca could cross over to the other side and hold an impromptu Q and A with the man upstairs and quite frankly, Brian would still be more interested in the happy snap of Andrea Pirlo taking a corner.
Back at home, those without anything better to do flick between channels, pausing briefly to ogle Pirlo and his sensual sideways passes. Unsurprisingly, they are met with a barrage of positivity and tired metaphors from the commentary team. Pirlo is like fine wine, says Thomas Broich in the preamble. Gianluigi Buffon is like fine wine, says Michael Bridges. Every action by the All Stars seems to be a “great advertisement” for the A-League. Every time a Juventus player looks at or breathes on an All Star is apparently a moment he’ll treasure for the rest of his life.
For those of us who actually watch the A-League week in, week out, the vibe of this is a bit off. Brian and most of the people here don’t give a toss about Nick Montgomery, or Albert Riera, or Galekovic. They want to see the little bulldog Carlos Tevez make a fool of defenders. They want to watch Paul Pogba sashay through midfield, and they want to catch a glimpse of Claudio Marchisio’s cold, blue-eyed stare. Apart from Del Piero, the All Stars are, in the end, just here to make up the numbers. But this is the New World, and this gimmick is a money spinner, and so it is good.
But you can’t help but feel this tacky All Stars brand cheapens us as a people and serves to entrench the cultural cringe. Brian doesn’t feel any more attached to an A-League side because the All Stars are holding their own. Why would he? He hasn’t watched an A-League club play, and he’s not witnessing the fans generate an atmosphere unique in Australian sport. All he’s seeing is bits and pieces of the A-League thrown together and oversold as ‘All Stars’. You try to explain that the A-League is about more than the sum of its parts. It’s about following your team week in week out. It’s about the yin and yang of the Leigh Broxhams and the Gui Finklers – the dismally crap and the rare genius. It’s about patience and mates and routine. It’s about supporting the local game.
But Brian’s not listening. He’s rushed off to see if Buffon will sign his smartphone. What the hell, you think to yourself, I wonder if Nick Montgomery poses for selfies?